We all want to feel special, to be admired, well-thought of, remembered for something, gifted in some way. Some will say that this is the ego at work, wanting to be recognised. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. It’s natural. It’s often the means by which we grow into the person we are, because we seek to better ourselves in the many ways possible to humanity.
However, it’s when we lose sight of our self-worth and don’t see anything in us as special, that our lives feel boring and we feel lost. It can be this that nudges us to look to some spiritual path for the answers and for fulfilment.
For many of us who seek this path, we don’t see ourselves already as a spiritual being. The key to it all seems the abilities of others that we can unconsciously desire to possess. It’s a kind of magic to us. We see special as being psychic, speaking light languages, communicating with spirits, being able to read tarot cards and rune stones, being a shaman, having the ability to channel information from “higher beings” and the plethora of “services” offered by practitioners. We don’t even realise the trap into which we are falling. Spirituality and these abilities seem to go hand in hand for us. We want to be like these people we go to for help, to have some “ability,” something special to set us apart from others and the normal boring person we feel we are in our everyday life.
We think the abilities will give us peace, bring us comfort, change our life drastically and shift us into being who we are meant to be, who we really are. Then we can do something really special for others and the world. We will now be “special,” someone to whom others come for answers, someone who is now seen as different, someone popular, someone who does good in the world, someone who can help others, someone who has their life together, someone who just may have what it takes to make money with their gift, and perhaps, we may just be the next Judy Satori, Deepak Chopra, Louise Hay, don Miguel Ruiz, Pema Chodron, Thich Nhat Hanh or Eckhart Tolle.
We can often be pretty naive in the beginning of our journey. I certainly was. I was clueless. I had these abilities come on line, for a reason I don’t have the answer to, in what was a very abrupt physical way. I felt special indeed, even though I didn’t know what the heck was happening to me when I was vibrating, feeling emotions in people and unseen energies, and sometimes freaking out because of it. I felt like people paid attention to me, people listened to me because, wow! I could tell them about themselves, or what I was saying was out of the realm of the ordinary in their life. And of course, because everything was happening in a very physical way, be it kundalini rising or not, I got the attention of people… sometimes not positive either. Some people I've known had ended up in a psych ward for being too naive.
The Not so Nice Side of Spiritually Special
I scared people with what was happening to me, even seasoned Reiki healers. I made people uncomfortable who could supposedly sense energy - they told me the energy coming from me was burning them, my energy was uncontrolled and erratic.
I sought to understand what was happening to me as all my shadows started to emerge, particularly kickstarted after being told the above. I didn’t know what a shadow was before. I went to various healers and psychics, seeking to understand my abilities, seeking to understand what was happening to me. It was overwhelming at times. But no-one really knew. And no-one can really know. I don't believe humanity is equipped to understand these things fully yet. We can only choose to believe what we want. New Agers call it ascension symptoms, doctors call it something else - usually stress or craziness. I tried to comprehend with my little human brain what I could. I wanted to feel comfortable in my specialness.
I saw a lot of different practitioners. One told me I was a very ancient being, to take salt baths to get rid of a negative masculine energy. One told me some entity was in me from other lifetimes that needed to come out - they could do it for me at a price. I had another person try to close my crown chakra down without asking me first, I didn’t even know what that meant. Another tried to open it up. I had people telling me I needed to be careful and find a teacher. I went through the whole “hug the inner child” exercises - I felt like a fool doing them. I was told to neither believe or disbelieve Is that even possible? I sought out the help of others and found a lot of garbage out there, a lot of fear. I found a mish mash of belief systems that I had to swim through until I found my own truths.
Not So Special After All
I had these abilities. I didn’t know what to do with them. Eventually that feeling of special, of the ego jumping up and down saying, “Look what I can do” began to deflate. I began to understand my lack of self-worth, that I had emotional baggage I never knew I carried within me. I began to understand mirrors and to work with them and on myself more seriously. I realised there were a lot of other people that had similar gifts or even more.
I began to understand that learning a healing modality meant nothing if I didn’t practice it. I understood the need to be certified in this, that and the other, because it seemed to prove something to others, to hold us in awe if we held a title like Grand Master. I hold the title of Grand Master of Belvaspata. Whoopy!!! Not many people ever heard of this angelic healing modality or can pronounce it. I have Reiki Level 2 certification, so do thousands of other people. I’m a Munay-Ki Rites Instructor, who ever heard of that back then?
It’s taken a lot of trial and error to understand why I am special, with the help of my ego losing air like a hot air ballon coming in for a landing, a grounding. When you try to do what I do as a job, special becomes irrelevant. I am just like anyone else struggling to make ends meet. People come, people don’t come to me. But because we think we have a special gift now (yay! I speak to Dragons!), it actually tears at our ego and self-worth more when we feel like our gift is not appreciated and we are not successful with it.
Yet, what defines success? That’s quite a personal definition, if we want to be happy. Define it by cultural and social standards, the standards of our parents, family and peers and we are bound to be unhappy, no matter what gift or ability we have.
Do I feel speaking to Dragons is special? No, it’s just different. Different doesn’t always mean something positive to people I meet. Try explaining to someone completely not into New Age or Spirituality that you talk to dragons and see the look on their face. They think you are nuts or joking. Speak to someone in Sacred Languages of the Self and they laugh. So sometimes, it does bring doubt into myself. Do I really speak to Dragons, am I just making all these sounds up? There’s nothing special about feeling self-doubt creeping in.
How Are You and I Special Then?
We are each special in how we interpret the world, the way in which we share our experiences with others. I feel this is the most special part of me - allowing the real part of me to be felt, to be seen and heard. The part of me that exists behind all the drama of dragons. Because when the Dragons are not there, this part of me still is.
I can see each of you are special, no matter how mundane you see your life as being, no matter how crap you think your job is.
I can see your smile makes people comfortable, how singing to yourself reaches the hearts of people, your ability to quietly listen to friends, to watch people and see what is really happening amidst the chaos, your ability to walk in a room and radiate your joy out to those who need something to brighten their day. I see your passion and your desire to find meaning in life, the desire to better yourself and make this world a better place. Isn't this special?
I can see your art and your writing are your gifts to yourself, your conduit of expression and feeling. I can see your creativity heals you and touches others in subtle ways they cannot define.
I can see your shyness is what allows others to feel safe with you, that the wall you have built around you is perceived as strength of character needed by your family. I can see the issues you bring to me are gifts of insight into my own life and I am so very grateful for the window into my soul that you provide.
Being 'spiritually special' doesn't have to be so obvious, so demonstrative, so theatrical. Our 'specialness' is being who we are, how we express ourselves, every part of our physical makeup that makes us unique and unlike no other person in the world. No two people are exactly alike. That is certainly something innately special in us. That, is magic manifested.
We are and have always been spiritual beings. How can we ever not be spiritually special? I think it's impossible.